Hey loves and welcome back to SimplicitCi.
I’ve been on a blogging break due to finals coming up and trying to find a way to get my life together. Recently I’ve been going through so many phases (between trying to figure out the best ways to reach certain goals and if my goals are realistic) that I’ve been in my own little bubble. College is rough….very rough and tiring. Some days I feel like giving up and I can’t recall on my fingers how many times I’ve cried throughout this semester. I just feel like my first year in college is not what I expected it to be, and its mind-boggling. Anyways I just wanted to give a brief update. I will go more into details on another blog post, so if you’re interested in hearing more about college give SimplicitCi a follow.
Lets get into the whole purpose of this blog post.
Something that has been on my mind so heavy lately is in relation to my father. Sometimes I wish I had the opportunity to talk to my “father” about the things that bothered me growing up pertaining to how he treated me and how he made me feel. All of the things that I went through with him became acceptable for others to do. Why? Because it all seemed so familiar. Being beat on, humiliated, and abused felt like home to me. Which is sad but this is the life that I live.
Growing up isn’t the easiest thing to do when only one out of two parents are consistent. Coming and going became so familiar to me because I see it as being normal. Why? Because he did it, and if he could do it why couldn’t anyone else? Being inconsistent just makes me feel so unimportant because was spending time with me not something you wanted to do? Or was it things you prioritized over your child?
Having your father around is something that every young woman yearns for and it was just my luck that I’d never be able to experience a true father-daughter bond with you. Its something that bothers me every time I see someone have a strong bond with their father, but why? I think its jealousy….or is it pain? The fact that I was the weird child (or at least I feel that way). The child that wasn’t thought of when you had family ventures with your other family… The ones you seemed to love so dearly although they wasn’t yours, but just my luck. You abused them too! When it came to me, I was nonexistent.
I was the abandoned child. The child you abused so much emotionally and physically, but still I yearned for a relationship with you. I wonder what its like to have a father that teaches you things about life that only a father could teach, besides the fact that mental, emotion and physical abuse is real. I wish you could’ve taught me things such as, what is love. Not lust, but true love. Is it an act? Is it a feeling? Is it just words? I guess I will never know.
How about those father-daughter dances? That I couldn’t attend, because you know. You wasn’t there. or, How about the fathers that I’ve seen every day in the school yard that came to pick up their jewels. There is so many times that I looked at them, then looked for you. Hoping that one day you would magically appear.
I would have loved to walk home with you after visiting the ice cream truck that was right outside of the gate.
“How was school? Are you being good? How are your grades? are questions that I would’ve loved to hear.
The little time that you were around, you worried so much about teaching me the worst in men that I began to categorize you with them. You taught me that men weren’t shit, and that you were included. Instead of teaching me that men weren’t worthy, you would’ve been teaching me through your actions, that all men weren’t the same. You could’ve been the example of what genuine love felt like, if only you had your shit together… but never mind. I had to remind myself that you are far from genuine.
You could’ve took that basketball scholarship, either way you were absent. Why not be absent for a good reason?
A girls first love is her father and trying to love you has resulted in me loving people just like you but with different faces, bodies and voices. So why be mad when I fall for someone just like you? This is the consequence of your actions so be happy. If you would’ve been the father that you were supposed to be, me falling for the people like you wouldn’t have been an issue. I would’ve been able to differentiate real from fake, love from lust and most importantly the different type of masks that people possess.
Not having a father-daughter relationship makes me feel alienated from those that do because I can’t relate. I don’t know what its like to be able to call my father and talk to him about life. I can’t share my goals with you because you wouldn’t understand the reasons behind them. You do not know me how you should, and you surely do not understand my reasoning.
Trust issues is something that I deal with because of you. How will I ever be able to trust someone in the future when in the back of my head I have this concrete picture of you? When I was never able to trust in you? How can I trust any guy when my father failed in that department?
As many times that I recall talking to you about how I felt, you’ve failed me. You made me feel like I was better off saying nothing. All that I remember is the excuses you gave me as to why you couldn’t be the typical father. Everything was everyone’s fault but yours. When will you EVER take responsibility for you? Will you ever understand that you’ve damaged me, and that was something only you could do? When will you ever understand that my heart was broken long before I knew what having a heart was?
Do you even care?
Mentally you’re not there, but I hope that one day you’ll realize what you did. That day will be one day/year/decade too late but I’ll accept the apology that I’ll never receive.
I know that I am not the only person that struggles from this, so I decided to share. Sadly, I’d hope that no one feels this pain because its something that never truly goes away. I feel like fathers have no idea how they can affect us or how the way they present themselves can affect us. Having a father is something that both men and women need to experience, and each party will experience something different. Having both parents is a blessing for those that have it, but for those that do not. Lets talk about it below in the comments section.
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